The One and Only Secret to Being Loved…and it is Probably Not What You Think

The One and Only Secret to Being Loved…and it is Probably Not What You ThinkThe one and only secret to being loved, to having a truly healthy, loving relationship is to love yourself as much as you love the other—in other words, to have a loving relationship with yourself first.

What do I mean by this? Well, I see so many unhappy in love, people that mistake loving for caretaking, first of all. You have seen them. They become your mother or sister or nursemaid, and I do not mean the sexy, fantasy kind. No, this is the person who thinks that if I take care of you, that is, treat you like a child, that you will love me in return. Well, maybe, if they both want to be codependent and infantilized. Usually it sets up a parent/child dynamic that precludes the adult form of loving and becomes suffocating and impenetrable to adult-to-adult interaction. After a while, both begin to wonder, “What is wrong with this picture? Why am I so unhappy in this relationship?” They are not realizing that they are being a caretaker or being “care taken” instead a friend/lover/partner.

Caring is important in a reciprocal relationship, but it is not the same things as caretaking. Caring for yourself—loving yourself, grooming yourself, getting enough sleep, taking care of your health, having time to yourself—is important if you want to really experience love. Caring for the other person is also important, but not taking care of that person the way you would a child or a sick person. Real love is reciprocal and balanced in love and attention, to the self and the other.

Secondly, people often mistake loving for doing everything for the other person and nothing for themselves. Then when they do not feel loved, they start doing and giving even more—more time, more money, more energy. This then depletes their reserves. They wonder why they feel used, abused, and unhappy. They may become resentful and critical and blame the other for not doing for them what they should be doing for themselves. It is another guarantee for love disaster, again, stemming from not loving the self.

Lastly, people often mistakenly give to the other what it is that they want to receive in the form of love, not realizing the other person is separate from them and may want something totally different. “Oh, thank you,” she says at Christmas, “for this wonderful gift of a…vacuum cleaner, mixer, or dust buster,” instead of staying true to herself and soul, and in a loving way, in a good moment, telling her significant other how she really feels about it. That she was not seen or really heard and how it really is disappointing for her to get a tool for Christmas instead of what she really wanted, e.g., perhaps perfume, jewelry, concert tickets, a handwritten card. Yes, she risks hurting his feelings in telling the truth, but hers (or his) have already been hurt. To suffer in silence takes herself out of the equation, and she allows this to be happen by being “nice.” This is not okay. We all need to learn how to stay seen in relationship. To be seen for who we truly are is the only real way to be loved. We have
to love ourselves enough to say what is true.

So, it might be helpful to ask yourself some questions like:
•    How much time do I spend taking care of others versus myself? Is it balanced? Is that okay with me?
•    Is there anything I feel I need to share?
•    Is there anything I have said that is not being heard that really needs to be?
•    What do I feel about being loved? What am I doing about it?
•    What do I love to do, to eat, where do I like to go? How often are my needs met concerning these things?
•    And lastly, what brings me the most joy/excitement/passion in life? How often do I feel this way? Why or why not?

Give these things some thought, and you may discover some things that need to change to help you feel more love than you ever have before.

Change is not always easy, but the opposite is not an option, that is, if you really want to experience love.

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Article Author: Roslyn Whitney is a spiritual life coach, combining her psychology Masters with the world of spirituality and the advanced transformational tools of HPT, NLP, and meditation. She is the creator of the Life Mastery Program which helps you focus on the most significant thing to move your forward in life. She focuses on helping people transform in love and work – to create beautiful and spectacularly fulfilling lives.

Photo Source: courtesy of Master isolated images / Free Digital Photos

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